And so, after many months, I’ve come to break my silence. I have nothing profound to say, at least not yet, but I am filled with gratitude at your patience with me. I’ve said it countless times, but those of you who have been with me since the beginning know that any period of extended silence indicates that there is something going on in the background, often times it’s nothing good.
Depression, Anxiety and PTSD wrap themselves around me like a boa constrictor going in for the kill during the winter months. Despite how much I love the nighttime, how much I am processing real-time, and what a fantastic support system I have in place, the long hours of darkness take a toll on my mental health. Contrary to the popular belief, an artist that is melancholic doesn’t produce great work. Rather, our creativity comes to a screeching halt because depression has robbed us of our motivation, our desire and our inspiration to create. Some of us can and do work through this, personally, I cannot. And so, I’ve been silent.
So, what’s been going on?
Prior to leaving for Palestine I quit my job, and when I returned began driving Uber as a stop gap until I could find a job with a non-profit or NGO. I looked for months, and applied to everything I could but every door I touched was slammed in my face. In an act of sheer desperation, I accepted another job in the tech sector and it has me filled with mixed emotions. There is a profound sense of relief as I was beginning to run out of savings, happiness that I am working again but also a sense of frustration because I’m back where I don’t want to be. I had hoped that my breaking away from my previous job would enable me to finally move forward into working in human rights. Maybe now isn’t the right now, who knows?
I’ve also left the seminary that I have been attending for the last two years. I’ve struggled there with not feeling like I had voice, with the total lack of justice in the course work, and with the Bishop’s influence that forces the learning of doctrine instead of real-world theology. So, I’ve left … but… and this is the best news possible… But. I applied to Union Theological in NYC, and have been accepted with damn near a full ride! I am incredibly happy about this turn of events, it has always been my first choice and now I get to be at a place that embraces justice, and where I will have a voice.
Other than that, I’ve spent these dark months numbing myself with video games and isolating myself from other human beings save for my partner. It’s been a time of stagnation….
But the wheel of the year has begun to turn, and we are once more headed into longer hours of daylight. This has slightly elevated my mood, and I am beginning to feel a little more inspired. I have many stories to share with you, and it’s my intention to begin writing again. I even purchased a new notebook and pens today! The sight of the blank, narrowly lined pages fills me with excitement at what I will share with you in the coming months.
I hope all is well with you all out there, and if you too are struggling during this gray winter – don’t worry, we’re rounding the bend!