This Tasty Sum’bitch

One of the many, many gifts that Israel and Palestine gave me was transitioning to a vegetarian diet. Since mid-November ’16 I’ve stuck to a 99.9% vegetarian diet (you’ll never take the crab legs away from me, NEVER!!!), and have experienced all the exasperating struggles that come with it. I have face palmed as the waitress points to salads when asked if there is a vegetarian option; fallen into the first few months habit of eating nothing but veggie burgers and tofu nuggets; screamed “I don’t wanna fucking veggie burger!” at the top of my lungs in frustration, then finally…finally began educating myself on supplementing proteins, fats, etc.. and learning how to cook like a god damn adult.

What I came across was Thug Kitchen. A website/cookbook that tells me to eat a salad so my asshole is healthy and calls me a motherfucker in the process?


Yeah… this is a cookbook made for me and my nasty potty mouth.

I’ve made about 5 things out of this so far – all delicious – but my favorite so far has been the Smoked Almond and Chickpea sammies. Here’s the recipe – if you like it, make sure to hit up Thug Kitchen on Amazon and get their books.

Quick Smoked Almonds

  • 2 1/2 teaspoons liquid smoke
  • 1/2 teaspoon olive oil
  • 1 teaspoon soy sauce, tamari, or Bragg’s Liquid Aminos
  • 1 teaspoon maple syrup or other liquid sweetener
  • 2 teaspoons nutritional yeast
  • 1 teaspoon smoked paprika
  • 1 teaspoon garlic powder
  • 3/4 cup raw almonds


  • 3 cups cooked chickpeas
  • 1 avocado
  • 3 tablespoons lemon juice
  • 3/4 cup chopped red onion (about 1/2 medium onion)
  • 1/3 cup chopped fresh dill
  • 1/3 cup chopped celery (about 2 ribs)
  • 1 to 2 teaspoons of your favorite hot sauce
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • Ground pepper to taste
  • 8 to 12 slices bread, toasted
  • Dijon mustard, lettuce, and tomato

1. Heat your oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit. Lightly grease a baking sheet.

2. To make the almonds: Mix together all the liquid ingredients in a small bowl and combine the nutritional yeast, paprika, and garlic powder in a separate bowl. Grab the almonds, add them to the liquid bowl, and stir that together to make sure all the almonds are covered. Scoop out the almonds, add them to the bowl with all the dry seasonings, and stir that sh*t around until they are covered. When they look all seasoned, scoop them out and lay them on the baking sheet. Toast them in the oven for 10 minutes, stir them around, and then put them back in the oven for 5 more minutes. Take them out and let those sons of bitches cool.

3. While all that sh*t is happening, add the chickpeas, avocado, and lemon juice to a big bowl and mash the f*ck out of them. Some chunks are fine, whatever you like. Fold in the onion, dill, celery, hot sauce, salt, and pepper, then mix it all together.

4. Once the almonds have cooled, chop them up and add them to the bowl.

5. Serve up this badass filling on some toasted bread with Dijon mustard, lettuce, and tomato. This is best enjoyed the day it’s made; it keeps fine in the fridge but you might lose some of that crunch.

Bon Appétit, motherfucker. 


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